Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So many bounce houses so little time
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
