I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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