I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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