$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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