i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize