So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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