when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
