Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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