im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
