i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
