remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
