Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Found your dick twin last night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
