Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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