I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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