I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
