somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
