Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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