god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
