Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
