so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
