I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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