she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
