update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
