Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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