Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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