WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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