I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
