can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
