Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
