Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
