are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i just sent this text using only my big toe
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
