i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
