The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
