We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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