Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
