Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
