boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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