I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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