Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The Olympian is in my bed
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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