He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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