meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
