Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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