Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
