after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
