craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
