I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
