She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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