My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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