I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
