So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
