My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
