I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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