She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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