he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
