just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
