All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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