shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
