i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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