I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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