my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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