i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
