the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
