Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
