I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
