i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
