This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Who died my cat blue again?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
