this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
