Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
