just come out here and I will go home with you...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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