I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
