I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
